Wednesday, July 30, 2003: Man, Dog & Sausage

I was walking over to the BTS and saw one of the most bizarre scenes of all time. It was a man fighting with a dog over a sausage.

The man was a food vender, one of many who sell a variety of cooked items from little push carts. The dog was one of many strays that people treat with high regard due to the belief they are actually reincarnated Thai Chinese. The sausage was a big fat foot long that the man either dropped or the dog snatched and ran away with.

There they were, battling it out while all the venders selling lottery tickets laughed and applauded, and the office workers coming out of a near by building looked dumbfounded.

The dog was not about to let go of this sausage. Eventually the fellow just gave up in frustration and looked very indignant while the lotto venders continued to laugh at him.

The dog ran away with the sausage in its mouth.

Monday, July 28, 2003: Raiders Of The Lost Popcorn

This weekend I managed to see both Tomb Raider 2, and Terminator 3. Although both were worth the popcorn, I am wondering how much more gas the action vehicle has left. I want to see something different.

Tomb Raider 2… I liked this movie but I liked it a lot better in 1981 when Harrison Ford was doing it. Pandora’s Box, Arc of the Covenant… Whatever. Someone tell the woman who plays Laura Croft to stop blinking every time she fires her big guns. It’s unprofessional. Still it was more enjoyable than Matrix Retarded and there was a nice fight scene where she’s using an old Lee Enfield.

Terminator 3… Nice Planet of the Apes twist at the end, and Arnold looks very fit for a guy in his 50’s. It’s a Terminator movie. What can I say? I was entertained and Arnold was robotic and at times funny. Lots of stuff got blown up… Blowed up REAL GOOD…

I hung out with TOD and TOP much of the weekend. We watched The Score with Robert DeNiro and Ed Norton on DVD. I highly recommend that movie. It’s a smart script and is wonderfully believable for a “heist” type of film. I had seen it once on a crappy pirate VCD last year so it was nice to see it on DVD with proper sound, not muffled talking and someone eating popcorn beside the guy taping it in the theatre.

Sunday, July 27, 2003: Fish # 5

I think one of the fish has had a stroke. Can Goldfish have strokes? I don’t know. But this fish is not right. It actually never was right. It’s the dumb fish. The one who looks sort of stunned, or at least more stunned than the other fish and has at times managed to get stuck up again the filter in-take.

Now it just lethargically sits near the bottom of the tank or swims around listing to the left as if it’s taking on water and about to capsize. It has tilted to the left for a while but now so pronounced it doesn’t seem capable of swimming in a straight line. That’s if it even bothers to swim. It seems content to just drift around in the little tanky currents created by the compressed air that gets squirted into it.

Now I’ve noticed it has a big red mark on the left side of its head. This can’t be a good sign.

Sandy is away for a week. I worry that when she returns old Stephen Blackpool (that is the name of the sickly fish) will have joined Snooty and Duncewin in that big heavenly fish tank.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003: Fruit Vender

Since I came back to Bangkok last spring I’ve been buying fruit from the same vender, a woman who with her kids, sells fruit from an ice filled cart in front of 7-11. Sandy has been buying fruit near the Redoubt from the same woman’s husband, Mr. Fruit Vender. He, like his wife, always had a smile and he seemed the happiest fellow, completely satisfied with his chosen profession. Sandy would always prefer to go to him as he would give her discounts, which I suspect was due to her cuteness.

Lately neither Mr. nor Mrs. Fruit Vender has been around. It turns out Mr. Fruit Vender fell sick a week or so ago and died of cancer.

Friday, July 18, 2003: Matrix Review Sort Of...

Don’t give me popcorn and tell me it’s the Holy Host of Christ. And certainly DO NOT give me popcorn that tastes like those communion crackers, especially if there’s no salmon pâté to go on top of it.

Here’s a question for 400 points…

Why is Hollywood so obsessed with man being at war with or conquered by machines (Matron 2: Retarded, Tumourantor 2: Rise of the Robots)? Have these script writers ever used a machine? Have they ever had a computer?

I am pounding this out on a brand new name brand Intel inside p4 machine which is as far as I can see just as prone to being shouted and sworn at as my P3 was or my 386 boat anchor for that matter. At least once a day this thing goes nuts or does something it shouldn’t with out warning or explanation.

As for computers ruling the world? Ha! It would last a week. Suddenly they’d all mysteriously crash and then start asking us if we want to send a report to Microsoft.

Speaking of crashing…

If Neo and Wolverine got in a fight would Charlie’s Angels win?

I’d say so.

Let me just mention that I did enjoy the first Matrix movie. It was good science fiction, with a nice twist of Kafka and touch of Phillip K. Dick. It was fun. However… Dare I say it… It was very 90’s. It was as 90’s as Blade Runner was 80’s. In many ways Matrix was the ULTIMATE 90’S FLICK. It had all things 90’s in it. Guns, computers, impossible martial arts, conspiracy theories, mobile phones, groovy 90’s clothes, appropriate sound track and computers as well as computer and some computers.

So it is now 2003. This is the cultural dead zone of any decade. What is truly NOW isn’t even on the radar scope of pop culture and like the early 90’s we’re still riding the back wash of what was the later bit of the last decade. Thus Matrix 2:Reloaded... (and how many marketing weenies drinking latte did it take to think of that name?)

Charlie’s Angels though, that was fun. I’d much rather watch Carmen Diaz ride a mechanical bull than Keanu Reeves fly around like some kind of sulking superman any day of the week. Sure there were a couple of good fight scenes in Matrix 2 but watching the Angels doing their Kung Fu to the Prodigy? Now THAT’s entertainment!

“No, no” you cry from under a stack of musky old Mondo 2000 magazines, “it was stupid, unbelievable and really dumb.”

Yes it was, but so was Matrix.

“No, Matrix was about how man is being turned in to corporate cannon fodder in the consumer society we all are slaves to… It was about the struggle to be free of the oppression of… (Insert Rage Against The Machine lyrics here)”

You see the dilemma. When people take something a little too seriously it is in danger of taking itself too seriously, thus we have things like fundamentalist religion, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Matrix: Reloaded. And you also might see the reason I liked and enjoyed Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle so much. It didn’t take itself seriously at all, therefore I could also not take it seriously and enjoy as I would the popcorn I ate while watching the 30 minutes of previews.

Besides, Charlie’s Angels had Crispin H. Glover doing what he does best; being a complete weirdo. If Matrix had any sense or/of humor it would have had HIM as the Architect instead of that poor man’s Donald Sutherland guy.

Imagine the scene, Neo appears in the 70’s Source room and behold THERE is Crispin Glover in the same clothes he wore when he freaked out on David Letterman. On the TV’s behind Neo are clips from every movie and TV show Crispin has been in dating all the way back to Family Ties.

“I…. am… the Architect…” he would announce before he would start shrieking or something.

He could ramble off one of his Rat Catching poems, which would actually make more sense than all the yip yap Donald Sutherland’s stand in spouted during the scene.
Then when Neo turns to the wrong door he could say in his best Rivers Edge voice…

“You turn on us… SOOOO easy…”

Now that would be fun. That would be memorable. Instead… hours of posturing and yip yap diatribes… punctuated by CGI looking like CGI and sulky Neo coming to grips with being the Kwisatz Haderach…

BORING…

If you have some urge to see this or rent do so with the lowest of expectations. Or go rent “Almost Famous” and actually enjoy yourself and feel good afterwards.

I haven’t seen T3 yet. Doubt I will. The Pirates movie looks interesting if it ever gets here…

Tuesday, July 15, 2003: Lizard

The big nameless mysterious Buddhist holiday has passed. Two days of spooky silence in what is normally one of the world’s noisiest cities. TOD and I hung out together for most of it, due to the fact that our girlfriends had fled the city with everyone else to “the provinces” outside. Much to TOD’s frustration beer could only obtained covertly, if at all.

We took a huge march from Brunching out at the Dubliner to Asok then up to some huge Park area where TOD once saw a big monitor lizard. The park area was apparently a former tobacco farming zone, and now is under the authority of the Her Royal Highness The Princess. That meant the place was not only guarded by soldiers but maintained, landscaped and gardened by them. We went down to this concrete walkway that runs along beside a now non-functioning khlong (canal) in search of the Khlong Ness Lizard. We took the walkway up as far as Soi 3 then turned back in vain. As we approached a wooden bridge that crosses the Khlong an old Thai fellow who was sitting on the bridge clapped his hands and pointed to the water on the other side.

There it was; a (what I thought) big monitor lizard. Not an adult but big enough to eat a rat, which is a big thing to eat in these parts. We watched it for about 15 minutes and then headed back to Sukumvit

Monday, July 14, 2003: Back From Singapore

I have never had any enthusiasm about the idea of going to Singapore. This may stem from the Tom Waits lyrics about the town. Did I expect it to really be made of “Iron Ore”? Did I really expect the Captain to be a one armed dwarf?

I’m not sure what I expected.

I was in need of getting my passport stamped so instead of the usual imaginary trip to Malaysia I decided a cheap flight to Singapore was in order. I hadn’t been there yet, and several people had recently said it was like going home. So I booked a flight, booked a hotel room and off I went.

The two hour flight was standard stuff, except for having to fill out a card swearing on Lord Raffles that I didn’t have any SARS in me… When we disembarked we had to walk single file past some sort of machine that revealed whether or not we had a fever.

“Snap my fingers, jump for joy I’ve got a clean bill of health from Doctor McCoy!”

Then it was bag x-raying, I assume to make sure none of us were trying to sneak AK47s in with our carry on.

The rest was simple. Through immigration and customs, out to a taxi and off I went.

I immediately felt like I’d landed in Vancouver. It wasn’t just that it was raining. Everything had that Canadian feeling to it. And CLEAN! We were driving on the “other” side of the road of course, but pulling out of the airport I could have sworn that behind the clouds were the Rockies.

The hotel was down town and once I’d checked in and changed I did an exploratory walk around the surrounding area. It was drizzling but not heavy enough to discourage me in my MEC mac. (Oh how the English love to mock my MEC rain coat. Yet I remain forever dry while they remain forever English. So I win!)

I headed out, looked about and felt… at home. People were polite. People were friendly and cheerful. I was treated as a human (and potential customer) opposed to some kind of hairy lower life form from the Planet Farangia in the Monkey Quadrant.

The whole town is made of … Excellent landscaping and ample park space. Green green green.

There was also an abundance of shopping complexes. I wander into just one small one and drifted through it for over an hour. Electronics, electronics, and more… I was going by a hobby shop and saw in the window a bunch of Corgi brand toy cars that I had when I was a kid. This made me think of my Father, as when ever he would come home from a trip abroad he would always bring me one. Here there all were, at first I thought as old vintage toys, well preserved to show the glass eyed boomer larva what playing in 3d was truly about… But no. They actually still manufacture these things. I was floored by this. I went in and looked at the boxes and boxes of Corgi cars on display. This fellow came up with his kid, pointed at the Green Hornet car and said to me “Wow, I had that one when I was a kid…”

“So did I! And that one…” pointing at the James Bond Austin Martin. They even had a Monkees car. (Now I know where to shop for Brengun’s Christmas gift…)

I had a whole 15 minute conversation with this guy about the Corgis we had all of 30 years ago. Then he pointed out that in the back section they had lots of Airfix men.

A trip down memory lane. Good memories too.

After the Hobby shop I wandered on and found a small little CD shop. It had a high number of second had CDs and what appeared to be CDs they had picked up from the delete bins of HMV. So I started poking through them. I nearly fell over when I found not one but three Wire CDs (Ideal Copy, A Bell Is A Cup…, and The Drill) each for only 4.99 Singapore dollars. I had to force myself to leave the place although I came out with 6 CDs and only spent 20 Sing Dollars.

The Hotel was nice. The room was super comfy and I had a good selection of channels to poke through while I listened to the rain and did what I needed to do, which was absolutely nothing.

Viewing Highlights…

BATTLESTAR GALAXIA… The original “movie” which was merely a two hour episode that served as the pilot for this highly awful series. I was great to watch, as it was so incredibly bad. Starbuck, Apollo and Lorne Green battling the chrome Darth Vaders who have guitar tuners for eyes… Bad effects, bad acting, bad Star Wars rip-offs, bad religious mumbo-jumbo and really bad hair-dos kept me glued to the TV set. I wish you all could have been there to watch it with me. But don’t worry, I laughed for you as well.

CHARLIES ANGELS… (Episode… Angels In Paradise…) The original which everyone seems to look back so fondly upon really sucked. Oh the pacing, could it be slower? This episode Charlie himself is abducted by some flair-panted bad guys who’ve hired a bunch of Hawaiian boat men to storm his yacht. Meanwhile the Angels are berating Bosley because they don’t want to work with the “new” Angel… Until they find out its Cheryl Ladd and off they go to Hawaii to meet Don Ho (Special Guest Star… Don Ho) and so forth and so on.... I never managed to stay on it long enough to see Don Ho. I was really, really slow paced. Good bye Charlie…

At night, I went out and checked out a few places. Not being a big bar-goer I wasn’t overly impressed by that aspect of the place. I think you could put the same people in the same setting and it could be anywhere in the world and no where I’d really have an inclination to go to. So I didn’t for long. There were some outstanding eateries and that I did enjoy. Good food, and civilized service. I also found a mall with an HMV in it…

HIS MASTERS VOICE indeed!

After years of the crappy selections available in the Land of Smiles, I suddenly had 3 floors of selection and real selection too.

And there it was.

King Crimson – The Power to Believe… The Original Chris Chiasson had sent me a copy on cassette but it was really great to buy one to have and hold, to look at and listen to and enjoy digitally again and again.

I was sort of sad to leave my when the time came. But I packed up, checked out, and grabbed a Taxi... and went to the airport…

Now here I am. Back once again in Bangkok.

Flying in was sort of cool. It was sunny and I could see the big 88 floor “D’TAC” tower… To which I followed the line of the road to Phaya Thai… I could see Phaya Thai Plaza, and the adjacent condos, and if I followed them south a little I could see the Redoubt itself.

Kaboom met me at the terminal and off we went. I changed and went to Sandy’s shop then met up later with TOD.

Thursday, July 3, 2003: Fishy

I have cleaned the fish tank.

"Every three month" the sales guy at the weekend meltdown market said...

Has it been that long already?

Judging by the Love Canal quantity of dark sludge that was added to Bangkok’s overburdened sewage system I'd say it's been about four months.

It wasn't pretty folks.

The fish weren't too happy about being scooped out and put in a bucket either. You would think that they expected Keenue Reeve's younger brother from the movie The River's Edge to show up with his b.b. gun.

"Sorry guys but it is tank cleaning time.
The water is now a developing a 1970s orange tint to it... "

They just swam away trying to avoid me...

1) Remove fish by chasing them around the inside of the tank with a tiny net.
2) Remove filthy dark water
3) Continue to remove filthy dark water
4) Remove the lone surviving plant (they ate the other two)
5) Remove the rocks
6) Rinse tank
7) Remove the filthy dark water
8) Rinse rocks
9) Remove the filthy dark water
10) Clean inside of tank
11) Rinse again
12) Remove filthy dark water
13) Put rocks back in, then water, then plant, and then fish...

And it looks great! Clean clear water, happy fish antics and bubbles for all...

Thankless pets. No tail wagging or purring just that gasping mouth crying FEED ME FEED ME I AM A GOLD FISH I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY...

Tuesday, July 1, 2003: Canada Day

It was supposed to be a great day. Perhaps for some it was. However for me the day combined the annoying organizational fascism of a Sunday school picnic, with the mediocre food and dull tedium of a wedding reception, and the drunken stupidity of a frat party.

All this was mine for the price of 1000 baht a ticket!

It seemed okay at first. Things that go bad usually are okay to start. Then like milk left out in the midday sun the day turned to a curdled goo; bad tasting, hard to swallow and leaving me with a lingering unpleasant after taste.

I was surrounded by white folk! Not all of them were Canadians but I don’t think I’ve seen so many in one place since the Vancouver International Airport. Most of them had all their teeth, and none had eye patches, peg legs or parrots. That in itself was frightening.

There was supposed to be Alberta beef. Mad cow fixed that. Instead we got some other kind of beef. A big slab of it. “Would you like yours emergency room bloody, or phasers-on-kill well done?”

There was supposed to be salmon! You had to be Laura Croft to find it though. The quality was unimpressive because of how it was cooked, and the quantity just wasn’t enough. Perhaps I am just spoiled after last September’s fresh BC salmon pig out. I’m sure the Embassy staff had the bulk of it stored somewhere safe.

Here’s something you need at a family type dinner thing… A BIG BULLY!

Quote of the day…

“I don’t @#$!!#*& know you and I don’t want to @#$!!#*& know you!
etc etc etc $#@#$ you etc etc”

It’s frightening to see what happens to the guy from grade 6 who pushed you around in grade 1. He’s still pushing people around. Even on that slippery slope towards 50, he’s still barking and whizzing on everyone’s rosebush to prove he is the alpha dog. At what point does a guy like this bark at the wrong dog and how can I buy tickets to THAT? Sooner or later Mr. Bully will do that to some 24 year old hot head, not unlike himself at that age and…

Now for the weather.

As the day wore on, and in tribute to Vancouver, it began to rain. We were under nice big tents but that didn’t stop the entire area from turning into bog in which the legs of your chair would slowly sink. By 8:00 pm it was like a First World War battle field.

There was Canadian beer but you had to win it. Our table managed to win a case and I was quickly reminded why I never drank beer in Canada, until I discovered Sleemans and Wellington Iron Duke. There was lots of Carlsberg though and it was knocked back in great quantities. There was some sort of beer chugging contest in which Sean and some Euros pretending to be French Canadians took on these obnoxious Irish joggers. Sean and his Larry’s Dive regulars won that with little effort.

I’m glad I missed college.

TOD and I had brought along our respective girlfriends. The combination of not eating (THIS is farang food? It’s disgusting! Where’s the fruit?), drinking beer, then drinking several bottles of wine was not evident until it came time to leave. They seemed fine, if not a little overly happy, until they had to stand up. (The spanking incident should have tipped us off to the danger we were in though)

So began the long struggle home.

It was amusing at first. I’m sure it will be much more amusing when I get the photos developed. For at least ten minutes the two of them fell down and flopped around in the mud, one laughing the other crying. All the while TOD urging me to take more photos. Eventually (to the disappointment of the table of Brits next to us) we got them out of the tent area and up beside the pool. As they were both covered in mud it seemed like a good idea to put them in the outdoor pre-pool shower. It became evident then that the falling down business had nothing to do with the mud. More photos were taken as the Thai hotel security guy looked perplexed and the Canadian organizers looked pious and offended. Some blond French Canadian woman was especially outraged, although I’d bet you a Looney that if you took a time machine back to Expo ’68 she would have been running barefoot through the grass tripping on LSD and having delusions that Pierre Elliott Trudeau was coming towards her with outstretched arms.

Well… maybe not. But I bet she fell down drunk a few times.

I had called Kaboom to pick us up, so with great effort we managed to get them away from the pool area. Then TOD and I simultaneously picked up our drunken Pui’s and carried them out of the hotel.

My girlfriend was still insisting at this point that we go to Larry’s Dive as she’d “promised Sean” that we would. TOD’s girlfriend however was not going anywhere. Including the to Kaboom’s car. TOD put her in the back with me and Ling Lek, and it was off and away on the vomit express. Kaboom proved his value as a driver on this messy little outing.

So that was my Canada Day. I got wet. I got insulted. I got vomited on. It was expensive and I really had a bad time. But you all enjoyed reading this and that’s all that matters.